The moral wounds of a warrior

Post-traumatic stress disorder has unique aspects when it comes to service members. Voluntarily removing oneself from society to join a subculture of that society to uphold and defend the rights of that exact population can be emotionally/physically, and psychologically damaging. The impacts of seeing and experiencing the worst atrocities that humans can inflict on each other can leave one with nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts. These symptoms can hinder growth in one's career, family, and all other social interactions.

Reintegration back into society creates a sense of seclusion and the feeling that you are alone when in a large crowd. You are with close family and friends, all you feel is that no one knows you, and there is no comradery like being on a field operation or in the middle of a war zone, knowing exactly what your team member is going to do when the sh!t hits the fan. With your friends and family, you have no idea how they will act, and that makes you a little nervous.

Discussing stories in their entirety without fear of judgment while in the service can only be had with your fellow brothers and sisters in arms.

When discussing these experiences with civilians, the sense of rejection or judgment comes across in facial remarks, subtle changes in body language, and subtle remarks and comments. Most judgment comes from the simple comments that one might say without pause or express with no thought of impact.

The concept of the morale wound is connected to actions, behaviors, or even thoughts that a service member might have done while deployed.

Given the nature of war and conflict, the social contract of good and evil is skewed and sometimes completely redefined. That refinement can and sometimes is different than those standards set within civilian society.

Returning home and acknowledging these differences can make one feel as if their service to country, God, and freedom has in some way been tainted or devalued.

Pursuing new careers and being social outside your sacred group of battle buddies comes with many worries; your sense of humor and communication skills have been altered to be a little darker and direct and carry a harsh truth. Learning to dial it down feels unauthentic, but you learn to communicate and operate in this manner.

There are times when civilian co-workers or friends ask questions about your time in the service and have genuine curiosity and interest in what you have to say. This is an area where we tend to tread lightly. It is important for civilians to truly understand what military service and deployment are “actually” like, but on the other hand, we know there is no knowing without experience. So you do your best to explain basic and/or advanced training, deployment, or how we viewed our advisories or even treated each other……. But at some point, there will be……

• You did that!
• That’s horrible!
• How could you treat each other or another human that way?
• Thats inhuman!
• What is wrong with you all?

These and many more comments are why we hesitate to speak of our service. We know that our thoughts, actions, and behaviors may have stones cased upon them due to their conflicting nature with civilized societies' stance on morality. That is not to say we don’t carry those same moral standards, but war…….can be thought of as a separate entity outside of our world where the fabric that holds it together is made up of a separate cloth. We are well aware of the differences and even contradictions. This awareness can haunt us,keep us up late at night, and cause us to tailspin into a dark, depressive mindset that can take days or even years to rise above.

So, the next time you talk to a veteran, thank them for their service. Realize you are thanking them for not only protecting your freedoms and way of life, but you are thanking them for seeing the worst in humanity and shielding you from it. Your reaction to a momentary statement, a small story fragment, carries so much weight. Your reactions can help us feel “normal” and appreciated, or they can crush our souls and deteriorate our minds, dropping us to our knees.

Travis Knowlton LCSW